I hate saying No, but I have to say No

I am NOT good at saying No to things, which is not good, because it means it makes me worse at the things I’ve said YES to already. And those things include very many top priorities in my professional life … but also my family and my own well-being.

And since I hate the thought of ghosting you or replying with a flippant “Nah, sorry,” after you did the hard work of putting yourself out there to ask something of me … and inspired by Dharmesh Shah’s post from years ago … I wanted to write this to you.

Hello, friend, and thanks for reaching out!

I have to say No, but I also have to tell you why, because I appreciate your willingness to even ask for my time. It’s flattering. It says you respect me and my work. I want to respond with mutual respect. So here goes…

I’m passionate about creativity. I love new ideas. And I love helping people. I also love making friends online and offline. But all of this saying Yes tends to ruin me. I stretch myself too thin, get involved with projects or people who deserve better from me (and I can’t deliver), and the things and people I already promised to serve on a consistent basis don’t receive the best version of me as a result.

So I’m trying to do fewer things, better, from here on out. I hope you can relate as someone who is equally driven, passionate, and focused.

Again, me saying No has NOTHING to do with you. I hope you don’t see this explanation as rude. I see the typical response as much more rude — that is, no response. I don’t know about you, but when I get no reply or a flippant reply, it feels like an implied, “I’m more important than you.” Which is untrue.

And look, I know your request feels small and manageable to you. (“Just a quick call or email exchange…”) Unfortunately, even the tiniest shifts in focus requires lots of hidden time commitments, whether it’s schedules to coordinate or the ramp down/ramp up time before/after the commitment, all of which only serves to distract me and break my flow.

As a storyteller and Person Who Supposedly Has Big Ideas That Help You Do Better Work, my most precious time on calendar is when nothing at all is scheduled. That’s when my most important work gets done, whether it looks like thinking, daydreaming, or producing. So I protect that time as fiercely as a tiger protects her cubs. Or my toddler protects her gummy snacks. Which is to say: with passionate, reckless abandon.

So thank you, again, for supporting my work and thinking highly enough of the things I do that you’d reach out to me like this! I hope I can continue to earn your trust and respect through my current projects.

Lastly, in case they’re useful or they answer questions you might have, a lot of my best thinking and all of my top stories flow through two projects: my essays and my podcast.

If you need further inspiration, I adore the book on storytelling called Out on the Wire by Jessica Abel — one of the few work-related books I’ve read multiple times and recommend to others. (You don’t need to work in audio to benefit.) I also remind myself of these thoughts from David Bowie and these thoughts from Ira Glass every month to feel inspired.

If you wanted to keep in touch asynchronously, I’d suggest Twitter (@jayacunzo) or LinkedIn. But if you, like me, prefer to connect with others in ways aside from creating free ad inventory for giant social media companies, then my newsletter is the best place to connect. Reply to those emails to reach me directly.

Wishing you all the best! Thanks again for understanding. Keep making things that matter.

—Jay