The Rapid, Remarkable Return to Real Life
In my career so far, I've watched the digital world evolve in two main phases:
Phase 1: Digital supports in-person
This phase saw the digital world add a new layer to the physical world. Blogging was the online equivalent of reading someone in print or talking to someone in-person. Foursquare and other location-based apps helped gamify real world places. Facebook was about sharing updates and images about stuff you did away from Facebook. LinkedIn was a place for your resume—a summary of what you did away from LinkedIn. Twitter powered much of the business world's in-person events (I miss following the chatter through a conference's hashtag!) and created even more in-person connections. (I attended many "tweetups" around Boston and still count many Twitter connections from back in the day as my closest professional confidants and friends.)
Powering all of this, of course: smartphones and social media.
We know now the damage those two technologies have brought upon the world, but during Phase 1, it all felt hopeful and optimistic. Phase 1 was logical, even delightful: we humans have things to do, people to see, places to go, and the digital realm fit into that pre-existing flow. It didn't seek to change our behavior so much as enhance our existing movements and relationships, providing a few additional things to the experience of life and work as the technologies and apps improved.
I miss that. I liked that.
I didn't like what happened next. We entered Phase 2.
Phase 2 makes my tummy hurt.
Phase 2: Digital replaces in-person
This phase was built on the foundation of two distinct things, in my estimation:
Thing 1: The rise of TikTok. Thanks to their rise, every social network began to switch from the social graph to the interest graph. This means rather than centering their apps and feeds on your connections, they center everything on content—more specifically, content they think you'll like based on the data they've collected on you. They suggest things they believe are most likely to increase your engagement (read: addiction), swapping out your social network for a suggestive feed run by an algorithm, not human taste. Because make no mistake: previously, you were at the wheel, but now you're in the passenger seat. Or maybe the back. Or maybe the trunk, tied up and gagged. We've lived through the total separation of creator and content. Social networks simply aren't. They are addiction networks. Advertising networks. Suggestive content networks. They've been created "For You" in exactly the same way oil rigs have been created for the sea. (There's a talk by Patreon CEO Jack Conte about the death of the follower which speaks to this in a great way.)
Thing 2: The rise of Zoom. Just like there were several powerful players in social media before TikTok, there were several in video conferencing before Zoom. But just like TikTok removed all friction, Zoom removed—well, okay, let's just say more friction, while the pandemic took care of the rest. We existed on Zoom during our working hours (and then some) for multiple years. Many of us still exist on Zoom. (I just love watching someone's face light up when they drag themselves to another Zoom call, this time with me, and I suggest we switch to a phone call. We can stand up! We can walk around! We can go outside! Or we can simply NOT care how we look while we talk. We can just mindfully speak to each other. And don't even get me started on AI notetakers...)
Of course, the pandemic was like the Mentos tossed into the Coke bottle for these things. Tech companies were more than happy to fill the massive void we felt without in-person connection—for a price. Part of their price was financial. Most of it was emotional.
Phase 2 has been running on overdrive pretty much nonstop since 2020. Rather than digital tools helping create in-person connection or enhance our offline life, they've sought to dominate every moment of every day for every person alive. Other trends just doubled down on that: online communities becoming a "product" you can build and sell "out of the box," Clubhouse (remember Clubhouse?), NFTs (lol), the metaverse (lolol), and of course, generative AI.*
*Every time I critique AI, people call me a luddite, so let me be clear: I'm talking about generative AI broadly and the few big tech companies building these tools narrowly, and I would refer you to my 2 official statements on what I hate and what I have to say to people who declare, "You're gonna get left behind."
I think Phase 2 is societal cancer. When digital tools replace instead of support in-person connection, we all suffer. Phase 2 has spread out of control, wreaking havoc on everybody and everything. Much like cancer, we can't pinpoint a single cause. Capitalism. Loneliness. Cured meats. (?) Regardless, it's harmful. It's damaging to our physical health, our mental health, our relationships, our sense of trust and community and—you know what? You already know all this, so let me just skip the part where I get super depressed in a newsletter. Cool? Cool.
The thing is, unlike cancer, we also have the cure. In-person connection.
Coffees. Lunches. Dinners. Drinks. Walks in the park. Sitting on a bench. Watching or playing sports. Concerts and theaters. Holding the door for someone behind you. Complimenting someone's shoes as they walk by. Asking how the waiter's day has gone so far. Laughing at bad jokes. Telling even worse jokes. Calling your mom on her birthday. Calling your mom on a day that ends in -day. Emailing your dad with a question you could google because he knows this stuff better than you. Replying to your dad when he replies to your newsletter. (Hi, Dad!) Having a few people over to your house just because. Hanging out in the kitchen, then the living room, then the dining room, then the front by the door, because I really need to get going, but it's been 20 minutes of standing in the front by the door with you, because this is good living.
Being with other humans in the real, physical world.
Nothing beats that. Nothing is b
etter than that. Nothing can replace that, either, even though they're trying. But just like the plastic campfire my kids own, these digital tools give off no warmth. They can make them incredibly realistic. That still doesn't make them real. I mean, I know I'm a helluva writer and podcaster. I've mastered my voice. I know that, and I've worked tirelessly to achieve that. Yet even in my case, this essay is still universes away from the feeling you and I would share sitting at a cafe, talking shop.
Which brings me to Phase 3.
Phase 3 is Phase 1 with More Wisdom
I don't want to live off the grid. I don't want to return to a world where the only voices who can publish their art or their opinions must go through an out-of-touch editor who keeps saying "kids these days" and remembers what it was like when women couldn't vote. I don't want to throw away all the good that the digital world has given to us (and there is so, so much good).
I just want more thoughtfulness and nuance and intentionality. (You know, the things that the internet is famous for rewarding!)
(I feel such a need to declare that the previous line was sarcasm precisely because the internet has ruined the ability to communicate with any subtlety at all...)
I don't want to blow it up and go live as a monk without a screen for miles. The solution isn't a "digital detox." The solution is to rethink whatever caused us to require a detox in the first place. Activate your own human brain first, then open an app second. Not the other way around.
I think Phase 3 means putting in-person connection (and commerce!) back at the center, allowing digital tools to recede back into the nooks and crannies again. Let's return to the use of these tools as support systems, not replacements. It's Phase 1 but with more wisdom. We're less naive and less gullible. We're in the driver seat again, with some helpful digital passengers (and plenty of moments of tossing these tools into the trunk where they belong).
I think more and more people are hungry for Phase 3, and indeed, the world will split into folks who love Phase 2 and wish to remain there. Ironically, the future is more analog than digital. The innovation is in-person.
Thankfully, it isn't terribly hard to create our own personal versions of Phase 3. We just need to find those one or two repeatable things we can design into our schedules. In my work, for instance, that's looking more and more like hosting small in-person events and masterminds. I'm starting with two per year, focused on my Green Room program, with more in the works (2027 or later).
The Green Room's 1st retreat
Two weeks ago, we held the first-ever retreat for the Green Room, my group program of professional speakers, building their talks and businesses together with each other all year long. The program has plenty of digital components (monthly Zoom calls, an ongoing WhatsApp group) but my cup overflowed after just a couple of days of in-person time in Boston together. I finished the week exhausted and oh-so-full.
or context, I’ve been selling 1:1 advisory services for a few years now, offering 3- and 6-month engagements to develop a client’s premise and IP, signature speeches, and speaking systems and business.es It’s gone better than I could have expected, and I maxed out my 1:1 client load for the year already. I saw this coming, talked to some friends and mentors, and 1oneword kept emerging: group.
Makes sense logically, but I needed my version. Group programs help scale your time when you sell services. Group can be a feeder system into more 1:1 engagements (a program member realizes they want some additional and more personalized time with you). It also works the other way: 1:1 clients finish up with you, then want to enroll in something ongoing. So my 1:1 advisory services and now my group program feed into and out of each other nicely, which means my business is much more aligned than before.
Happily, group has helped me fix a mental holdup I've had for awhile: I've started thinking about how to put the process and the people at the center of the business, rather than me (arguably the #1 problem any consultant, coach, or creator experiences). I know I’ll always build a personal brand with many personal projects, but my overall business shouldn’t depend on those things.
In the future, I might share more of what I learned at the retreat. For now, I just want to encourage you to take ONE step towards designing a career with more in-person connection.
There's just so much you can't replicate online.
I'll never forget giving Shep a bear hug before our dinner and him handing me a gift bag full of Canadian treats for my kids. That doesn't happen on social media.
I remember watching Michelle fully commit to her bit and hop around on stage as everybody lost it in their seats. You can't experience that type of breakthrough on Zoom.
Hearing Frankie open up about hesitations and concerns and watching a room full of speakers immediately chime in, share their own, and offer ideas—the energy flows in a different way than an online forum where you can't see the twitch of someone's eyes or feel a supporting hand on your shoulder.
The feel of the rug beneath our feet mattered. The smell of the theater was part of it. The side conversations and the surface area for serendipity ... priceless. The questions went deeper and the belly laughs lasted longer because we were passing around homemade rigatoni and sipping on red wine and paper planes.
Whatever you do in your career, I hope you experience your version of this. Maybe that's running a retreat of your own. Maybe you organize a local meetup of like-minded professionals. Maybe you just get coffee with a single friend each Friday before writing at the cafe together. Whatever it looks like to you, great. Just pursue it. Because this is one of those things like drinking more water or getting more sleep which is so simple, so widely discussed, and yet so incredibly transformative. But you have to do it.
It only takes a single moment too. Then you realize just how much better it feels. How much better you feel.
We have everything we need. We're just searching for it in the wrong place. It's not online. It's in-person.
We don't need more automations and algorithms.
We need more high fives and hugs.
***
If you're a speaker who thinks the Green Room is your room, I'm starting to review applications to enroll a few more members this fall. Our next retreat is in Q1 2027, and we connect monthly on calls + WhatsApp, as we build our businesses together. Learn more and apply here.